Jeremy O’Neill: The Most Underrated Skill
Kids ministry gets chaotic — that's a given. But how you respond when things go sideways is what separates good leaders from great ones.
In this solo episode, Jeremy introduces a framework from KIDMIN U called poise — the ability to stay calm and composed when things don't go as planned. He shares three practical ways to develop this skill: experience, perspective, and preparation.
This episode is designed to share with your team — check the show notes for a free discussion guide to use at your next staff meeting.
Quick Links:
Sign up for HOW TO VBS Live on April 10
Poise Discussion Guide for Teams
Transcript:
Welcome back to the Simple Kids Mystery podcast. My name is Jeremy and today we're actually gonna try something completely different. Now, if you've been following for a little while, you know that what we typically do in these episodes is we invite a guest, somebody who is an expert in the kids mystery space and we have a long conversation together. In fact, it's those types of long conversations that I love so much because I believe that's where the gold is. If you dig deep enough,
eventually you'll find the gold. But today I actually wanna test out something a little bit different. You see, if you're anything like me, I come to podcasts for two reasons. Number one, I like to listen for something that I can grow in, right? So if there's something that can help me be a better father, be a better husband, be a better leader, or just be a better follower of Jesus, that's the first thing I look for in a podcast, something that can help make me better and help me grow. But the second thing is,
I'm always on the lookout for things that I can send to my team, things that we can use in our next staff meeting together, or if I've got some high capacity volunteers, I'm always looking for content that's really good for them. Like what can I share with them that we can talk about together that makes all of us better? Now, I think a lot of kids ministry leaders really overthink how they can develop and disciple their staff or even their volunteer team.
I think it's so simple, whether it's a book or a podcast or a blog or something, you can share something with people on your team and ask two questions. What was your takeaway? What stood out to you? And then what are you gonna do about it? If that's your strategy, it will take you a long way. And so my goal for this episode, we're just gonna test a theory. We're gonna try a different format for this episode where there's no guest, it's just gonna be me. And I'm gonna share a little thing.
a piece of training with you that's designed not just for you to listen to, but actually something you can share with your team and hopefully talk about together. Now, before we dig into our topic for today, I want to give a quick little highlight. If you're listening to this in the week that it comes out, we're hosting a free training on Friday, April 10th called How to VBS Live. It's going to be a live Zoom call with leaders all across the country. For those of you who've been following me for a little bit, you know,
I just came out with a book called How to VBS. It is the ultimate guide and playbook for planning your next summer event. And by the way, this isn't just for VBS. So if you host a kids conference or some other summer event or anything like that, this is a really great guide for how to do that at a high level. And on Friday, we're gonna have a free one hour call where we're going through some of the biggest insights from the book. And we're actually gonna give you some things that you can take away and bring back to your church.
immediately. So if you want to be part of that, we're going to have the link in the show notes. So whether you're listening on Spotify or Apple podcasts or wherever you're listening, go to the description. There'll be a link in there where you can sign up and you can join us for that free training.
Well, let's dive into the content for this specific episode. And a little disclaimer for you, this is a piece of what we teach in KidmenU. Now KidmenU is a certification program for kids pastors and kids ministry leaders that we launched last fall. And in it, we've got 12 different modules that are each really extensive and very thorough. And the first one we talk about is called Ministry Mindset. I'm a big believer that before we even talk about
the tactical parts about how to be a kid's pastor and how to lead your ministry. The very first thing we should talk about is who you are. What's your heart like? What's your posture like? You see, this isn't just a regular job. This is ministry. We're not just looking at your competency or your talent or your potential. We're looking at your posture. We're looking at your heart. We're saying, are you humble? Do you have the right attitude to serve others in ministry? Because at the end of the day,
that is the most important piece of what we do. And so in Ministry Mindset, we talk a lot about the spiritual component of being a kid's pastor, and we talk about your character and your heart and being a follower of Jesus. And then we talk about one thing that's kind of like a soft skill, if you will, that also I think ⁓ fits under there. And to introduce this idea, I wanna share a story with you. See, a few years back, I was serving at a church and our kid's ministry was split between two floors.
On the lower floor was preschool, on the upper floor was elementary. We had an incredible team on both floors. They were awesome. I remember on our bottom floor where the preschool was, we had a director there who had been there for years. I think she'd been serving for over 20 years and she was an amazing leader. She'd built up an incredible ministry over there. And I remember the first couple weeks, I just would start to feel an interesting energy when I walked into
that floor, you know, and I didn't experience it when I went on the elementary floor. after a few weeks, I noticed something was different and I started asking myself, why do I feel this different vibe when I walk through the door? And I realized there was kind of like this anxiousness when I walked into that lower floor. Like it was almost like there was this palpable feeling of panic in the air. And then I noticed our director.
She was constantly running from one thing to another. It was almost like there was always a fire that she was putting out and she was constantly anxious and worried and panicked. And then I noticed how that affected her team. You see, eventually, listen, whatever our posture is as a leader, our team starts to adopt that as well. And so I saw the leaders in each classroom start to feel a little panicked. I saw them.
become a little bit more anxious and a little bit more worried until the entire culture of the team kind of was like that. It was very frantic. was always, it felt like there was always pressure on everything. And it was a lot. And I think even parents started to feel it too. And on one hand, it was good because there was a high level of care and thoughtfulness about every part of our ministry. And that part was good. The bad part is we don't want that.
sort of energy to come across with parents. We don't want that to be the vibe when people walk in to our building or when they serve on our team. Our team shouldn't feel panic all the time. And so today what I wanna talk about is this idea of poise. See, this became the focus for our team in that season is developing a sense of poise and composure. Now, this is such a funny thing because I don't feel like I hear kids ministry leaders talk about this topic enough and yet,
I think that this is the thing that's the difference between good kids mystery leaders and great kids mystery leaders. I don't know if you know this, but kids mystery gets a little crazy sometimes. It can be a little chaotic. And I guarantee you, no matter how good you are as a leader or how good your level of preparation is during the week, something is going to go wrong when Sunday comes. Now it could be that your TVs aren't working and you can't get the slides up.
It could be that a volunteer shows up late and now you've got parents waiting at a room to open. It could be that the checking computers went down. It could be something small like you had met too many kids in a classroom that you didn't expect and you ran out of handouts and you're trying to figure out if you have time to go print some more or not. Whatever it is, big or small, something is gonna go sideways in your ministry this week. The only question is, how are you gonna respond? What are you gonna do?
Is it gonna make you worried and anxious and frantic or are you gonna be composed and level-headed and are you gonna be able to respond appropriately? Now, how you respond makes a big difference to your team, makes a big difference to the families that are coming in and how they encounter your ministry and the culture that's there. This is a really big deal. Now, I know I just shared a story of maybe the wrong side of poise.
Let me give you a more fun example. And this one is great because I'm a big sports fan. Hopefully you are too. But there is a hall of fame quarterback named Joe Montana who played back in the day. And I think this was in maybe the eighties or something like that. And he was in the Superbowl with the San Francisco 49ers. This is the biggest game of his life. And it's the fourth quarter. There's like three minutes left on the clock. His team is down and he's got one final shot.
to drive his team down the field and score and win the game. And if he doesn't, they lose in the biggest game of his life. And when they get into the huddle, this quarterback, Joe Montana, spots a famous actor in the crowd named John Candy. You might recognize him from Cool Runnings or some of those other classic movies. He was a comedic actor, was super funny. And as soon as they get in the huddle, Joe Montana goes to his teammates and he points to this guy in the crowd and he says, hey, is that John Candy?
And his teammates were in disbelief. They were like, dude, this is the biggest game of your career. This is the most pressure-filled moment, and you're so loose and lighthearted that you're looking in the crowd and spotting famous actors, what's going on? But it almost had this effect on the team where it just took all the pressure off. They're like, if my quarterback's not worried right now, if he's not overwhelmed, then we don't need to be either. And what happened next was historical.
They drove all the way down the field, they scored, and they won the game. In that moment, we saw not just what poise and composure is like, but what it's like in leadership. See, I think the easy definition for poise is calm under pressure. It's when things get crazy, you can maintain a sense of calmness. It's almost like what they say about a duck who is floating on the pond, right? Above water, they look like they're just chilling. Below water, their little feet are like,
paddling like a million miles a minute, right? But the definition in leadership isn't just calm under pressure, it's the ability to create calm in others. All of that starts with having poise ourself, but level two of that, the upgrade that's available to you is when you can have that be contagious with your team, where it's not just you that's calm and collected it's the ability to help your team feel that way too.
So I wanna give you three different things that you can do to actually develop this muscle. You see, this isn't the sort of thing that you're born with or born without. This is a skill that you can develop. So I'll share with you three different things we can do. The first one is experience. Now, this one's gonna be the hardest pill to swallow because there is no shortcut to experience. But how does experience help you develop poise? Well, for starters, it helps you sit back and say, I've been here before.
You know, I've been serving in kids ministry myself for 15 years. There's very little that I see on a Sunday that I haven't experienced before. And in year one of my career, there were a lot of things that would happen on a Sunday morning that would get me a little rattled. They'd get me a little frantic. These days, it doesn't happen a whole lot. Like it's really hard to throw me off my game on a Sunday because I have experience. I've been doing this for 15 years. Like I've been there, I've done that. And so when something comes up,
I can sit back and say, you know what? I've been in the trenches before and I made it out just fine. I'll be okay here too. And so if you're a young leader, this might be hard to hear because experience, there's no shortcut for this. You just gotta be diligent and you can build this muscle over time. But if you're faithful and you're in ministry for the long haul, it does get easier. Number two, and this is the one that's much more within your control.
Number two is perspective. What is your perspective on the matter? I remember an old boss of mine had this framework that he used. He used to say, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or I'm feeling frantic, I just ask myself this question, will it matter five years from now? And usually the answer is no. He would look at all of these things that would go on that feel so big, so overwhelming, like it's such a big deal. But when you really have that filter, like,
Am I gonna be thinking about this five years from now? Most things aren't gonna be at that level. The things that are, you've gotta take those seriously, but if they're not, it helps you be a little bit more loose. Now, I wanna share a story from the Bible on this, one of my favorites. It's from 2 Kings chapter six in verse 14. It's the prophet Elisha, the S-H, Elisha. And in verse 14, it says this, one night the king of Aram sent a great army with many chariots and horses to surround the city.
And when the servant of the man of God got up early the next morning and went outside, there were troops, horses and chariots everywhere. sir, what will we do now? The young man cried to Elisha. Don't be afraid, Elisha told him, for there are more on our side than there are on theirs. And then Elisha prayed, Lord, open his eyes and let him see. And the Lord opened the young man's eyes. And when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.
You see what happened in the story was Elisha and his comrade were surrounded by the enemy army and they looked around and they said, surely we're going to be defeated. Like this is the last day, let's say our final prayers to the Lord, it's game over. We had a good run. But Elisha wasn't panicked. He was able to see something that his partner wasn't able to see. He was able to see that the army of the Lord was so much bigger and so much more powerful than the army standing in front of them.
This is what perspective looks like in ministry, right? What are you looking at? Are you looking at how big your obstacle is or are you looking at how big your God is? I think a lot of times, if we're being honest with ourselves, we get taken out by things that go sideways because we have a small view of God and we don't actually expect him to show up and help. And when we operate from a place of dependence on the Lord, it shifts our perspective, it shifts our mindset.
So perspective is a thing that you can develop and grow in over time. Number three is preparation. Now this one you are 100 % in control of. Now I've noticed at the times where I've panicked the most,
and been the most anxious are actually the times where I didn't put the work in. If I'm being honest with myself, I didn't take the time to thoroughly staff my ministry. And so when that one volunteer called out, it really took me off my game and it was really hard for me. Or I didn't plan ahead for Easter weekend and I didn't ⁓ anticipate that I would have to print double the amount of handouts that I normally would. And so I ran out after the second service. Whatever it is,
usually it comes back to my preparation. And I'll say on the flip side of that too, the times where I've been the most calm, times where I feel like I've had the best poise in composure is when I put a ton of preparation in. I knew I've done everything I possibly can to anticipate as much as I can and I'm ready no matter what happens. Preparation is a big deal and you're in control of that. You're in control.
of how diligent you are about how hard you work beforehand or how little you work beforehand. Preparation is within your control. And so the three things I would encourage you to focus on is hold on to that experience you develop. Remember those times that you've been in the trenches before and use that as a valuable learning tool for the next time. You can be able to say, hey, I made it through this and so I can make it through this next thing that comes my way. The second thing, perspective.
Remember, is this gonna matter five years from now? Usually it's not. Usually when we worry about things, it feels way bigger than it actually is. So take a step back, take a deep breath, and really ask yourself this question, is it gonna matter five years from now? And lastly, your preparation. Make sure you show up prepared. This one thing alone is gonna help you maybe more than anything else we've talked about. And so as you go back into your ministry this week and you lead your team, I want you to...
a great emphasis on this idea of poise. if you want to be a good steward of the people on your team and you want to lead them well, it requires you to have poise and composure. Because ultimately, if you freak out, your team's gonna freak out. But if you're confident, your team will be confident too. Listen, for this episode, we've got a discussion guide that's available to you. So if you want a PDF,
that's got this framework laid out, as well as some discussion questions that you can talk about together with your team. We've got a link in the show notes in the description of this episode. You can click on that, you can get access to it, and you can talk about it together with your team. And lastly, I know this is a different episode than we normally do. And by the way, this is just an experiment. We've got lots of amazing long-form conversations coming to you next week. We're not stopping that.
but this was an experiment. I wanted to see if it serves our community well. And so if you like this sort of thing and you want more episodes like this that you can share with your team and talk about together, let us know. If you're listening to this on Spotify, you can actually leave a comment. It would mean a lot to me if you go in there and leave a comment, say, hey, we want more of these type of episodes mixed in with these long form conversations too. And if it's the sort of thing that you guys are looking for, we'll make sure to provide more of these things.
I hope your conversations with your team are valuable and that this conversation allows you to grow as leaders and help you grow your ministry even more. Thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next time.
